💔

Its only been a month and a half, though it feels longer. Way longer. But Im still falling asleep in the same bed we spent every sweaty night in.
Im still humming our songs, walking our roads and visiting our spots.
But a month and a half since you left, I still miss you the way I did te first night I clutched a cold pillow to my chest and realized that youre no longer here. I still miss you the way I did the first time I walked myself home from the airport. I still miss you the way I did the first time I crawled into bed with watery eyes, and damped cheeks.

Its been days since we touched.

Do lips, like fingers have prints on it?
Is there any evidence you were here at all?

What I really wanted to say is that I missed you a whole lot today, And I just want you to wrap your arms around me, Because you make me feel like home.
But lately you seem to far astray and all I can really do is to listen to sad songs and scroll through pictures of all the memories we've made, stare from a distance and hope you notice how much I need you right now.

2AM every night, I climb into bed with a head full of miserable thoughts and negativeness.
I climb into bed. looking for the solace of someone who can help me unwine my all these thoughts that are eating me up, bit by bit.
Eager for the caring words of someone, who can take away the pain I had to go through to come to this very bed every night.
And I, constantly keep falling behind in looking for myself, Im constantly finding myself caught up in my own misery. I cannot fight this.
Help.

Home

I could tell you to come home, while you are a thousand miles away in a place you call home.
I could tell you to come home and fix me, in the four walls that makes up mine.

I've come to realize that home isn't a place, not a city or a state, its a feeling.
Home, doesn't have an address, it has a beating heart and sweaty palms, it has a comforting tone and a warm presence.

And since you've been gone, I haven't been quite home.

One day, when I wake up at 3 am, unable to sleep, I will look next to me.
And you will be there. Sleeping peacefully beside me, and the world wont seem so lonely.

Not as lonely as it is right now.

I cant help but stare at you

When I look at you, I see a future
I see us spending our lives together
travelling the world, and following our dreams
I see longs nights doing nothing but watching movies,
And curling up together.
When I look at you, I see hope
I see a reason to not give into the darkness
I see us having our own home
When I look at you, I see happiness,
I see nerdy conversations and amusement parks
I see m dreams coming true,
When I look at you, I am filled with wonder and fascination,
I am filled with love and joy and peace.
When I look at you, I see happiness.

Reflections

All I want is your clothes on my floor,
Dinner made for two,
Lights dimmer,
hugs tighter,
And to make you so happy it hurts.

Summer Returned

I open my eyes, and he is right there next to me. Instead of the orange light that normally illuminates my room, it's his smile. Our limbs are tangled, eyes locked, cheeks warm and oh, this is what home feels like. My head rests on his chest as his heartbeat lulls me to sleep, his arms tighten around me, And I think, maybe I could get used to this.

LDR Feels #5 Summer is coming back.

I see him in 4 days, and nothing in this world is going to be better than this feeling.
All the constant nagging of 'Why aren't you here?'s are going to be over for him.
All the red-eyed Skype dates, All the random costly phone calls are going to be replaced.
All the times I've cried not being able to see him, not being able to be in his arms when I want, not being able to hug him, kiss him or spend time just staring at his dreamy eyes, are finally going to be over.
 He is finally going to be on a plane, drive hours to see me.
After all these long months of explainable temper and breakdowns, he is going to be standing right in front of me for the explanatory breakdowns and every little thing that I'd do. We'll be together, we will spend days together, in each other's presence, in the most memorable, wonderful and romantic way ever.
I see him in 4 days, and nothing is going to be better than this.

LDR Feels #4 All the Miles

When I think of all the miles
all the hours that lie between us,
I'm not thinking of Separation,
Not a distance that draws us apart.
I have come instead, to understand
that the space between
Shows the length I will go for you,
The minutes Counting down
to the moment when my eyes rest on yours,
Add up to the hours of my life
I've spent searching for those hands
That perfectly fill the spaces between my fingers.
So I rest in these moments that lie in between.
Assured,
For I know that these same shells I find,
that whisper the ocean,
are also found on your shores,
and these peonies, that bloom in my heart,
are the best of the scents in yours too.

LDR Feels #3 Summer, come back.

This is for the time, we swallow our tear, trying hard to bite them down. For the days when our souls feel heavy, so we slump our tired shoulders down, down and down.
This is for the days when getting out of bed feels like an achievement. And for the days when we tremble with anger, our temper on the pry.
This is for the days, we feels empty, useless and invisible like a hungry ghost.
For the really tough says, which rip us wide open, leaving us naked and exhausted and shivering in the dark.
The days where we just want to give up.
We can try all we want to, to run away and flee into the dark.
but we don't want to, so what do we do?
We can be bold till the distance of spaces come closer, and snap your fingers while we do it.
We can imagine running directly towards our other halves, sprinting with wide open arms, to their supportive smile.
We can buy ourselves a big bouquet of our favorite flowers.
We can clear a space, and cry a thousand crystalline drops, till the skies clears and summer returns.
We can stand under the shower for an extra hour and not worry about loneliness.
We can curl up into a child's pose and cry into a yoga mat.
We can reach out one hand to the next and squeeze it hard.

LetsbebadasstillSummerreturns.

1 Billion and counting.

When you have a billion kisses saved for him to come back home, and If he takes any longer you'd lose count.

LDR Feels #2

I groan as my phone chants up the alarm, but to my delight, I go over to the laptop standing in front of me to see that the Skype call from last night hasn't disconnected. I can hear my significant other from over a thousand miles away, fast asleep and breathing peacefully.
The happiness I have right then and there is pretty much equivalent to waking up to my my boyfriend right beside me.
Unless you're in a long distance relationship, you never understand the feeling of successfully having a Skype call for hours, on end to end without disconnecting.

As long as you have a face, I have a place to sit.

even if someday, times get hard. Please dont give up on me.

What more could I ask for?

Its the simple 'you can do it' s and 'Are you home?' texts that makes me feel important.
Its the gentle massages and scratched on the back when I mention an itch or an ache that makes me feel secure.
Its the scheduled sessions and the unexpected texts that makes me feel privileged.
Its the glances that you think I don't notice, that makes me feel protected.

Husband to Be #1

Dear Future,

Just so you know, This is me giving you a heads up.

I won’t be afraid to embarrass myself in front of you. I wont hesitate to singing along – badly – to Naifaru Dhohokko or Mariah Carey through a mouthful of toothpaste, while you laugh at me from the bed. It means introducing myself to your siblings with the embarrassing names you call me, or telling everyone how awkward our first encounter was.

It means sitting with you in a warm beach on Sunny day, three ice cream down, My hands resting lazily on yours, and you smiling and rolling your eyes as I sing out loud to you.
These are the times when I follow you around the grocery store, narrating your every move, and telling people you are a Celebrity, when they stare at us.

It’s the moments when you look at me, thinking, “I can’t believe I married this horses-ass.”, and then thinking, “I’m so glad she’s mine.”, because you know that around you, I can be myself.
This is the reassurance that around you, I don’t have to be cool, or distant, or live up to whatever perceptions people have of me. It’s you knowing that when I’m with you, regardless of how we might grow – and we will grow, but we will grow together – that I will never be afraid to bare myself to you, to show you who I am, unapologetically.
It is the first moment when I slip up, and claim I did not fall… and you laugh, letting me know that it’s okay.

It is when you want every single aspect of who I am – the good, the bad, the embarrassing, because I will feel the same way about you.

Yours Sincerely, 

Present.

Consistence

The thing about him is that I can run a river over the teeniest, most reckless things and he still thinks I look good. His arms are the safest place for me on this earth, and whenever I reach for him, he is always responding in the kindest manner.
Cos in the most random of times, he crosses my mind, when he is nowhere near me I think of him, am holding his hand and heart.
Knowing that if I ever go to him, hearing his key on the door will be the best part of my day, him walking into a room with me would be my medicine, My face will always light up and he will be taking my breath away.
The thing about him is knowing that I can always count on him to hold my hand I need him, to show me love when I'm messed up and knowing that he is nothing, but Consistence.

I love my Consistence.

Valentine Thought

Spending our first valentine apart. I am thankful to have you booked for the rest of this lifetime, in this thrilling and joyous experience of love, I am so glad that I got to have you as my companion.

For all these days apart, I can hardly wait to see you and feel you in my arms, again.

I am Yours, Till the end.

I couldn't have found you.

It couldn't have happened any other way.
My heart had to be left alone, on a trip alone, splintered smashed and short of shattering completely.
I had to fly low and dive deep.

I had to be broken so i could meet you.
Because I didn't learn to be myself until I was broken.
The exquisite elixir of vulnerability transformed me.
It opened my eyes and unlocked my heart.

I had to be broken so I could meet you.
Because those jagged shards became beautiful as they opened up new spaces in my lonesome heart.
Spaces that wasn't there before.
Spaces I didn't know about.
Spaces your heart looked for, to entangled with mine.

I had to be broken so I could meet you.
When my tiny heart saw each other for the first time it relived, it grew.
They were wise and they knew this was real.
We both breathed in and in that inhalation transformed into an exhalation.
I was yours, and you were mine.

I had to be broken so I could meet you.
because being broken made me more courageous.
I needed to be brave enough to show my flaws,
which are the things you loved the most.

I had to be broken so I could meet you, And for that I am thankful for the things that broke me.
For if it wasn't for them, I couldn't have found you.

Warmth

Warmth.
That how I remember him best.

Cuddling up behind me in the morning, making sure I am awake before he snuggles. I would giggle and pull his arm across to my stomach, he would move closer and wed cuddle.
His face on my cheek, I could feel him smiling even without looking. I did not need to look, I could feel it.
Everything feels cold without him, he warmed up the day with his charming smile, he made my nights fun, and he'd treat me like a princess all the time.
Whenever we hugged there was this extra electricity, whenever he looked at me there was falls of love damping me, and whenever he held my hand it drills happiness into me.
We would linger, there was always something in the air, a warmness. It was just him and nothing else mattered.
He was warm, and there was that thing that happened whenever we embraced, I could feel it through my skin.

And since he left, I feel there is the distinct absence of these things. The coldness gathered me, I felt the sun going down. Taking the warmth away from me.

And all I could suffice was this longing feeling that soon, soon enough, winter will pass and summer shall come.

Sometimes we have to not do what we want, but instead what we must. We must do what is right over our own selfish, human desires. This is one of those times, and God it hurts.
I know however, that we will be okay. I believe in love, I must.
I want you to know that you are my home, even if our physical bodies are separated by oceans, you are and always will be my home, and my heart will be your's. There will be no where else.
With each passing moment, a day ticks by and closer comes the day, and in the rush of thoughts I can hardly attain myself for the days to come.I laugh at the mutual appreciation for the ironies and paradoxes found in the universe.
I laugh.
But I haven't convinced myself to calm down, to attain myself for the days to come.

Dreams to Keep

I want to grab your waist with both my hands holding onto your side, slowly pushing my body close to yours. I want to take one hand and slowly brush your hair with my fingers running across your face while you give me a stare. I look at you and give you a smile, as we stare into each other's eyes. I ask you to stay for the night. I lean closer and closer to you, and remember how much I missed this. Gently place my body over yours and close my eyes slowly while you wrap my legs around your waist. Gently push and let the tip our lips touch. I breath lightly over you with a warm breath, you close your eyes and I kiss your forehead. You grab me and press your lips onto mine and I slowly kiss you, deeply.
There goes the alarm, I wake up with a smile on my face.

Saudade

When you lose someone close, you never recover. Instead you learn to incorporate their absence and memory into your life. And channel your emotional energy towards others, and eventually your grief will walk beside you. Instead of consuming you.
Its amazing the things you realize when you lose someone. You get mad at yourself for the things you didn't do. The things you didn't say. The amount of time you spent with them are too less to suffice for the time without them. Anyone can be taken, at anytime of our lives, but we always wait until they are gone to say the things we never had courage before.
Its like losing a limb, you are always aware of what you have lost, and what you had. You don't know the feeling as long as you haven't lost someone close to you, you cant even feel a silver of how much sorrow you get hit with.
You don't really remember how it felt to be with them as days pass. But you always remember how good you felt.
If only we remembered everyday, that we could lose someone at any moment, we would love them more fiercely and freely. Without fear, not because there is nothing to lose, but because everything, can always, be lost.

Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory, no one can steal.

Prose

I don't want him for an hour, or just on the phone. 

over hushed voices and sleepy conversation.

I don't want him in a letter.

Multiple words sprawled onto paper expressing emotion.

I want him indefinitely. 

I want him on my worst days,

And the best.

I want him here with me,

But, for now, I'll cherish the yawns,

Whispered "I love you's" over the phone.

And I'll reread your letters,

Over and over,

On days that I miss you the most.

And I'll wait for the day that he will be here with me, 

Indefinitely.